I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say my book without simultaneously wanting to pee my pants. In the last ten days, this book and the stories within went from a handful of eyes and ears and notebooks, to the world of publishing. Available for all eyes to see. It is nothing short of wild and soul-riveting and if I could squeeze each of you right now, I’d do it in an exhale of love. Thank you, all of you.
There’s been much to process in the last week and some odd days about the journey leading me to now. When I first started sharing my story, I shared bits. Broken and wobbly bits and pieces of one or the other- abuse or abortion. I rarely told the whole of it and I’m not sure why. There’s always been hesitation, probably stemming from insecurity and the worry of judgement but we all know that gets us nowhere. My story was mostly told to groups of middle school and high school girls. A few times it was shared from my sofa to an audience of six or one. Then a couple of years ago, I was invited to share my story with a local MOPS charter. If you don’t know what MOPS is, it’s a group of moms in the stages of pregnancy through preschool, gathering together for a couple of hours a couple times per month. Bring on the hot coffee and a chair to sit in without spit up on it! That was the first public time I shared the whole story and it wasn’t so eloquent. There were friends there that didn’t know much of anything and I knew there’d be questions that followed. I was shaking the whole time, crying at intervals and trying to piece it together with the good things. At that time I didn’t know what the good things would be. I just had the hope of them, knowing that I breathed a bit lighter every time I shared even a little sample of the mess. That was enough to push me into more.
It’s a quiet hustle sometimes, isn’t it? Not always for the viewing pleasure of others. It’s the 4:30 wake up call that stumbles you out from bed and all you can think is, Ok God, what’s up? It’s the obedience to write another word or sentence or even pause to go back to counseling because that thought needs to be worked out with a professional. It’s the availability to sit before Him and say, what do you want to do with this? And then there’s the waiting or shaking and the practice that accompanies the guidance.
A few weeks ago, our Senior Pastor was teaching on the simple message of Who Is God? Yeh, simple right? He quoted author and theologian A.W. Tozer when he said this, What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about us. As he continued, I sat and wondered on that. The book was mostly done at this point. The stories and connection points and even the good things were written in but when I think about God, I think unstoppable. In every point of darkness, every rise to the beat of lightness, every breath of hope for what could be, He was relentlessly in pursuit of me. Unstoppable. And that is what changes my story. It’s what changes yours. And that’s why I wrote this book. My soul is unrested and unwell knowing that so many live in the shame and fear of whatever mess hovers over their lives. If what I believe about who God is, is true- that He is unstoppable and that because I am an heir, an offshoot of Him, made in His image, than I too can be relentless in how I love. The “A” Words is my love letter to my daughters, to the victors, to the lonely. It’s a love I’ve looked for most of my life that has been found rooted in the Good One- secure, freeing, hope-filled, engaging. Unstoppable.
The “A” Words is available on Amazon (like below). Again, I thank you. Thank you for reading these blog posts. Thank you for following along in the writing process and for your waves of support. I am so grateful.